Monday, October 16, 2006
Names from the bottom up
rockfoam, kevin miller wrestles with death, suitcase blues, tub drunks, the elephant appears, puddle brick dummy, the blonde and the bowtied, log feature -all names temporary and likely to change at later dates in accordance with my whims.
Friday, August 04, 2006
August 4th
Photos that seemed like good choices
This is an auspicious day for me. The reason is that 4 years ago I left for Japan on this date, and last year I arrived back in Canada on the same date. A day to look at where I'm at, where I'm going, where I've been.
I want to stop settling in as of tomorrow, stop re-assessing myself constantly, stop overthinking everything. Even today, I want to stop doing that. I would like to attribute my recent tendency to that kind of self-nagging as an automatic throwback response to old habits, bred of my experience of life in Canada.
I would like to accept where I'm at, go in the direction I'm going, see what goes on around me clearly, face things squarely and savour all experiences. Sometimes I have a few hours of feeling like that, then find I slide back into a sort of anxiety about all the things I should be doing, which immediately makes me feel no interest at all in doing any of them.
I started looking at the 'Learning to love you more' website yesterday and got obsessed with it again. I am essentially an ' anti-establishment' type of person I have recently realized. I love LTLYM because its so free from the rules of learning, art, etc. and is so essentially about exploring the world and finding delight in its endless details. Its a bit of a problem for me actually ( the anti-establishment thing) because no matter what the area of life I consider, I start to find it constrictive and stuffy as soon as it gets commandeered by ' the experts'. Its not that I don't see the use of that kind of thing, but that as soon as some committee establishes some kind of guidelines to their chosen field, it immediately loses its luster and imaginative possibilities. Plus, I feel its a real shortcoming in our society that there are so many experts within specific fields, and noone looking at the big picture. I know I just need to shut out those frustrations and focus on what inspires me, and thats what I intend to do - starting tomorrow.
I think the key to feeling right about what you are doing is a kind of partitioning. You must section off the irritating details of life when you are trying to find inspiration, and you must section off the frustration at not having time to follow your inspiration when you have to worry about the irritating details.
Regardless of all that, its time for me to take a walk in the warm night. To think of plane trips and time cycles and peeling off the last year, jumping into the next.
Friday, July 21, 2006
HISASHIBURI
WowEE
I can't believe how long its been since I wrote on this. Its all because the weather started to get nice, and stayed nice, so nice I'm wearing nothing at 10;30 and still boiling hot. Seems unusual, but I' m definitely not complaining. Well, the weather as well as the fact that I am only on the computer when I have to be these days. What can I say, I just haven't been in the mood.
So why write now? I don't know I thought I'd grab the impulse while it lasts.
I saw 'Through a Scanner Darkly" this afternoon - it was great and awful - awful because it could have been so much better I thought - not enough payoff at the end.
The city looks hazy through the window of my newly cleaned out studio / computer / spare room - hazy lights on a hot night. I can hear the seagulls who have made a nest on the roof of our building squawking their nightwatch. We went up there a few days ago in a semi-successful attempt to clean seagull shit off our solarium window using a rag fashioned around a swiffer type broom thingy - I thought the parents were going to dive bomb us. I was seriously scared. But they just swooped around cawing and batting their wings - and we saw the baby! it was so cute. I thought it might fall off its little turret as it was walking around all grey and downy - luckily it didn't or the parents would probably have started attacking the skylight. I can see them up there all the time standing on guard.
Ah - easier to talk about now and very recently than trying to wrap up the last few silent months in some kind of neat package.
To all the people I owe letters/ emails to - I will write eventually and don't think I've singled you out - I've been neglecting those far away people i hold dear pretty much across the board. and even some of the close ones. I think about you all often if thats any consolation.
Have not come to any major revelation point about anything - but sort of chugging away at doing things I like, thinking I should work harder at some kind of plan, yet finding myself inclined to spend a lot of time enjoying my house, getting books about photographers from the library and drinking vermouth and ginger ale. its really too bad everyone else is so busy with their own little universes too, as my house is really a fantastic place to engage in this kind of activity, and I do miss having guests.
Still, one day soon I will shake myself off and think about the outside world again. I guess this is what happens when you get too contented! They say happiness is not necessarily good for productivity.
I have still been taking and making and finding photos - gradually pulling them into some kind of bouquet - or maybe I mean multiple different varieties of bouquets. But its a slow process, figuring out your mind made visible reflecting off times and places, deciding what parts are interesting and what parts sentimental, maudlin, or derivative, and you know I don't really feel inclined to rush it.
Lets hope time spent will result in a keenness of selection, intention, execution - and that the same will hold true of the various letters that have been taking shape slowly and organically the mughug langour of these hot days and nights.
I can't believe how long its been since I wrote on this. Its all because the weather started to get nice, and stayed nice, so nice I'm wearing nothing at 10;30 and still boiling hot. Seems unusual, but I' m definitely not complaining. Well, the weather as well as the fact that I am only on the computer when I have to be these days. What can I say, I just haven't been in the mood.
So why write now? I don't know I thought I'd grab the impulse while it lasts.
I saw 'Through a Scanner Darkly" this afternoon - it was great and awful - awful because it could have been so much better I thought - not enough payoff at the end.
The city looks hazy through the window of my newly cleaned out studio / computer / spare room - hazy lights on a hot night. I can hear the seagulls who have made a nest on the roof of our building squawking their nightwatch. We went up there a few days ago in a semi-successful attempt to clean seagull shit off our solarium window using a rag fashioned around a swiffer type broom thingy - I thought the parents were going to dive bomb us. I was seriously scared. But they just swooped around cawing and batting their wings - and we saw the baby! it was so cute. I thought it might fall off its little turret as it was walking around all grey and downy - luckily it didn't or the parents would probably have started attacking the skylight. I can see them up there all the time standing on guard.
Ah - easier to talk about now and very recently than trying to wrap up the last few silent months in some kind of neat package.
To all the people I owe letters/ emails to - I will write eventually and don't think I've singled you out - I've been neglecting those far away people i hold dear pretty much across the board. and even some of the close ones. I think about you all often if thats any consolation.
Have not come to any major revelation point about anything - but sort of chugging away at doing things I like, thinking I should work harder at some kind of plan, yet finding myself inclined to spend a lot of time enjoying my house, getting books about photographers from the library and drinking vermouth and ginger ale. its really too bad everyone else is so busy with their own little universes too, as my house is really a fantastic place to engage in this kind of activity, and I do miss having guests.
Still, one day soon I will shake myself off and think about the outside world again. I guess this is what happens when you get too contented! They say happiness is not necessarily good for productivity.
I have still been taking and making and finding photos - gradually pulling them into some kind of bouquet - or maybe I mean multiple different varieties of bouquets. But its a slow process, figuring out your mind made visible reflecting off times and places, deciding what parts are interesting and what parts sentimental, maudlin, or derivative, and you know I don't really feel inclined to rush it.
Lets hope time spent will result in a keenness of selection, intention, execution - and that the same will hold true of the various letters that have been taking shape slowly and organically the mughug langour of these hot days and nights.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Settling in
So I've had the last 6 days off - it has been a sort of luxury in the sense that I have felt here and now puffing up all around me - becoming tangible one might say. A relief to be honest. I was wondering if it would ever happen. I continue to be surprised at how resistant I am to being home. It hasn't been difficult, but then again, not easy either. I have been escaping from here, from my history, from any sort of continuing future for such a long time now. Yet, it was really for those reasons that I came back here too. A sense of having arrived at a point where I would be able to come back to my history and see it with new eyes - confront certain things I'm afraid of, understand parts of myself I had left behind. And I guess this is the process - somehow I thought I would blithely skip through everything - never falter, bask in some golden era of self understanding...and maybe thats finally approaching - though its taken nearly a year of being back in Canada for me to reach the edges of that phase.
I went to Victoria on the weekend - visited grandma, Murray and Blair's aunt Anthea. It was good being back there because ( well apart from the obvious enjoyment of seeing people) it did bring back a lot of feelings - mostly a love for the natural surroundings and a dislike of the community. I find Victoria oppressively comfortable. I always felt like second class citizen there. We rented scooters one day and drove all around the town. The best part was going through Oak Bay - over the dry scrubby hills, the ocean a muted pastel blue against the yellow gorse bushes. We passed the old house on King George terrace - the one we lived in when I was 12 - where the Vassilis stayed with us for a while, the neighbourhood that offered the best halloween take of any place any time. I used to walk She-ra on the little peninsula just off the bay - with our faces square into the wind we would stare out at the pacific ocean - stretching out to everywhere... the landscape filled in little patches of me that had peeled away with time and weather.
But back in Vancouver the last few days - Blair has been working and I've had time to just be around here. I feel like I always need to face into the wind - I mean move in the direction of what I need to tackle next. and then find a way to unravel the complexities of why I'm afraid or uncertain about it. But I also have to make sure its the right thing to tackle. That its something worth my energy - not a diversion I have created for myself. I find it crazy how difficult it is to understand ourselves. I mean, people even hire other people to help them figure out themselves. I guess thats only when they can't talk about it with anyone else - I know thats how I figure myself out - by talking to other people. But isn't that ridiculous. I wish I could get to the point of understanding myself without requiring constant interpretation. Then again, sometimes I think we all know ourselves, we just choose to confuse ourselves because we don't like the conclusions we arrive at.
But surely forward motion will happen soon. The flailing has to stop eventually right? Summer is coming and I hope I will let it arrive...
I went to Victoria on the weekend - visited grandma, Murray and Blair's aunt Anthea. It was good being back there because ( well apart from the obvious enjoyment of seeing people) it did bring back a lot of feelings - mostly a love for the natural surroundings and a dislike of the community. I find Victoria oppressively comfortable. I always felt like second class citizen there. We rented scooters one day and drove all around the town. The best part was going through Oak Bay - over the dry scrubby hills, the ocean a muted pastel blue against the yellow gorse bushes. We passed the old house on King George terrace - the one we lived in when I was 12 - where the Vassilis stayed with us for a while, the neighbourhood that offered the best halloween take of any place any time. I used to walk She-ra on the little peninsula just off the bay - with our faces square into the wind we would stare out at the pacific ocean - stretching out to everywhere... the landscape filled in little patches of me that had peeled away with time and weather.
But back in Vancouver the last few days - Blair has been working and I've had time to just be around here. I feel like I always need to face into the wind - I mean move in the direction of what I need to tackle next. and then find a way to unravel the complexities of why I'm afraid or uncertain about it. But I also have to make sure its the right thing to tackle. That its something worth my energy - not a diversion I have created for myself. I find it crazy how difficult it is to understand ourselves. I mean, people even hire other people to help them figure out themselves. I guess thats only when they can't talk about it with anyone else - I know thats how I figure myself out - by talking to other people. But isn't that ridiculous. I wish I could get to the point of understanding myself without requiring constant interpretation. Then again, sometimes I think we all know ourselves, we just choose to confuse ourselves because we don't like the conclusions we arrive at.
But surely forward motion will happen soon. The flailing has to stop eventually right? Summer is coming and I hope I will let it arrive...
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
untitled
This morning it was snowing wet snow, snowing down on the twin trees outside my bedroom window. I woke up early since the Skytrain closes when it snows too much and Blair needed a ride to his first day as a boom operator on a cbc show called 49th and main. When I got back I went straight to sleep again, and by 9 the sun was glinting off the snowy melting roofs across the street.
I took a photo of snowy rivers running through the lane.
approaching somewhere
the birds fly over the east side in the late afternoon. I see them from the skytrain windows, I watch them and think of how nice they will look through the windows in the solarium at home.
approaching nowhere
approaching outerspace........
" I never really imagined life past that point you know..."
" if I had 20 million dollars in my pocket... well.. but I don't" " a whole world of nations is right here in our city" " why all this talking, when it doesn't matter, when you open your mouth you miss the point" " why all this thinking, when thinking self tells knowing self, what knowing self already knows" " the coast the coast the coast is clear today"
I took a photo of snowy rivers running through the lane.
approaching somewhere
the birds fly over the east side in the late afternoon. I see them from the skytrain windows, I watch them and think of how nice they will look through the windows in the solarium at home.
approaching nowhere
approaching outerspace........
" I never really imagined life past that point you know..."
" if I had 20 million dollars in my pocket... well.. but I don't" " a whole world of nations is right here in our city" " why all this talking, when it doesn't matter, when you open your mouth you miss the point" " why all this thinking, when thinking self tells knowing self, what knowing self already knows" " the coast the coast the coast is clear today"
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Tagged! Happy Valentines!
So Rhya tagged me, and I guess that means I am supposed to say a few specific things about things?
Its been nearly a month since I wrote on this! Have been so busy. well... maybe my answers will reveal a bit of whats been happening.
4 jobs I've had....
1. Lifeguard - I guess I lifeguarded on and off for about 6 years at quite a few different pools including Victoria Commonwealth Games Pool, Toronto Hart House, and London England, Peckham Rye Pool. Ah, so many hours of staring at water and keeping my mind in a state of roving focus.
2. English Teacher - 3 years in Japan - this job was not busy enough - especially in the first year. I did get into it though, especially by the end, the best was reinacting english movies on video with my students. Imagine 15 year old girls performing the "Huggies Robbery Scene" From Raising Arizona ( If you haven't seen that movie, go rent it right now )
3.Sales Girl at the PNE - for lipstick that changes to the best color for your skin tone - this was only for a few weeks right after University - but over the years I have done quite a lot of pitch work - it's lame in a lot of ways, but fantastic in others because its such an interesting perspective. Its like the building block our whole society is built on. Convincing people to buy things from you - only this is the old fashioned direct way. Advertising is no different - even your Dentist is trying to upsell you. Plus you see a lot of fucking weird people.
4. Admin Assistant at the Specialty Gourmet! This is my new job with Marina and so far its really great. Not that our work is super interesting in and of itself ( check it out )
but our office has such a great energy and I really don't mind going to work at all in the morning - ( well apart from having to wake up ) Today was a bit ridiculous though - I was working alone for what was supposed to be the 3-4 hr shift and locked myself out..... it sucked. I was wearing a t shirt and had no money, no key no phone. Luckily for me i didn't get stuck in the building ( which is loaded with key card access points ) and the nice girls at starbucks let me use the phone to wake up Marina.... ( a big sorry M!) Then they even gave me a free coffee while I waited for an hour. So stupid. I got pretty stressed out there for a bit... Well, i will never do it again!
4 Movies I watch over and over....
Hmmm I don't tend to do that very much - so here are some I plan to start watching over and over
1. Cry Baby ( actually I used to watch this over and over when I was about 13 )
2. Before Sunset / Before Sunrise
3. Together ( Hilarious Swedish movie you should see )
4. Spirited Away
4 Places I've lived
1. Zeballos - a tiny logging / fishing / mining town on Vancouver Island's Northwest coast - I was born here actually
2. The Greek Island of Paros - very nice place. I lived here when I was 4 and haven't been back since I was 6. Why? I don't know. I've been longing for it ever since.
3. Chino city - Japan - I lived here for the last 3 years - I miss it.
4. Vancouver - I lived here in my own house for about 6 months with Zoe and Skye before I went to Japan - ah those Main St. days... But now I'm going to be living here again ( in my own house ) starting on wednesday! Well, its 95% sure anyway - Blair and I are moving to 1st and Commercial. I wanted to be back on Main St. again - but this is a pretty nice place... two bedrooms, the top floor ( 4th ) back corner suite facing south west - skylight and gas fireplace, washer drier dishwasher, and my favorite - a solarium at the back. Can you tell I'm excited? And the distance from Main st. just makes me more determined to get a scooter again and then it will be just a five minute jaunt. We even have underground parking!
4 TV shows... well I almost never watch TV but... when i do....
1. The Simpsons always makes me happy
2. I have been watching 24 - although I don't really like it to be honest - but my parents watch it and I get sucked in
3. Seinfeld also always pleases me ( they don't have to be current TV do they? )
4. I want to watch " The Prisoner" and "The Office" which are both british TV shows - oh yeah and what was the name of that crazy show Rhya brought at New Years.... I forgot. It was bizarre.
4 Vacations.....hmm... lets see -
1. Australia - up the east coast ostensibly on a surfing trip with Zoe
2. New York - with Marina in my last year of Uni - I saw " Sensation" at the Brooklyn Art Gallery
3. Dublin - with Angus at the end of my time living in London - we visited David - an old friend of mine, went out drinking all night and ended up with the worst hangover I've ever had which we assauged with watching EastEnders all afternoon ( not particularly soothing in my opinion ) Those Irish have a reputation for a reason!
4. France - for 3 months with my parents when I was 6 - we stayed in all these big rental chateaux - I have good memories of searching for " petit fours" - although Zoe almost drowned when we were staying in Champagne.
4 Dishes I love
1. really good lentil soup
2. I have to agree with Rhya - Marina's or her mom's enchiladas
3. Skye's bamboo shoots
4. My dad's bacon wrapped date appetizer. Oh and Pancakes made by Blair. I guess thats 5...
4 Sites I visit
1. Rhya, Skye, Malani and Kimiko's blogs
2. Craigs list ( yes I'm a bit addicted I admit )
3. Google Maps
4. um... I don't even think there is another site I regularly visit! How boring!
I think a new category should be added to this list - actually two - books I love - and things I've made recently.
So...
4 books
1. The Brothers Karamazov ( Dostoevsky )
2. If on a winters night a traveller... ( Italo Calvino )
3. Borges' fictions
4. Midnight's Children ( Salman Rushdie )
5. Oh well, 5, - Iris Murdoch - The Sandcastle ( Its good to have a woman author in the list )
4 things I've made lately
1. Some drawings for my new blog with Rhya!
2. A two minute movie for the Portable film festival preview ( link to come later )
3. A japanese feast ( along with Malani )
4. Backstage video part of a documentary on a burlesque festival here in Van
Well, I think that might give an idea of things I've been up to.
Many things to do still! Happy Valentines Everyone!
Its been nearly a month since I wrote on this! Have been so busy. well... maybe my answers will reveal a bit of whats been happening.
4 jobs I've had....
1. Lifeguard - I guess I lifeguarded on and off for about 6 years at quite a few different pools including Victoria Commonwealth Games Pool, Toronto Hart House, and London England, Peckham Rye Pool. Ah, so many hours of staring at water and keeping my mind in a state of roving focus.
2. English Teacher - 3 years in Japan - this job was not busy enough - especially in the first year. I did get into it though, especially by the end, the best was reinacting english movies on video with my students. Imagine 15 year old girls performing the "Huggies Robbery Scene" From Raising Arizona ( If you haven't seen that movie, go rent it right now )
3.Sales Girl at the PNE - for lipstick that changes to the best color for your skin tone - this was only for a few weeks right after University - but over the years I have done quite a lot of pitch work - it's lame in a lot of ways, but fantastic in others because its such an interesting perspective. Its like the building block our whole society is built on. Convincing people to buy things from you - only this is the old fashioned direct way. Advertising is no different - even your Dentist is trying to upsell you. Plus you see a lot of fucking weird people.
4. Admin Assistant at the Specialty Gourmet! This is my new job with Marina and so far its really great. Not that our work is super interesting in and of itself ( check it out )
but our office has such a great energy and I really don't mind going to work at all in the morning - ( well apart from having to wake up ) Today was a bit ridiculous though - I was working alone for what was supposed to be the 3-4 hr shift and locked myself out..... it sucked. I was wearing a t shirt and had no money, no key no phone. Luckily for me i didn't get stuck in the building ( which is loaded with key card access points ) and the nice girls at starbucks let me use the phone to wake up Marina.... ( a big sorry M!) Then they even gave me a free coffee while I waited for an hour. So stupid. I got pretty stressed out there for a bit... Well, i will never do it again!
4 Movies I watch over and over....
Hmmm I don't tend to do that very much - so here are some I plan to start watching over and over
1. Cry Baby ( actually I used to watch this over and over when I was about 13 )
2. Before Sunset / Before Sunrise
3. Together ( Hilarious Swedish movie you should see )
4. Spirited Away
4 Places I've lived
1. Zeballos - a tiny logging / fishing / mining town on Vancouver Island's Northwest coast - I was born here actually
2. The Greek Island of Paros - very nice place. I lived here when I was 4 and haven't been back since I was 6. Why? I don't know. I've been longing for it ever since.
3. Chino city - Japan - I lived here for the last 3 years - I miss it.
4. Vancouver - I lived here in my own house for about 6 months with Zoe and Skye before I went to Japan - ah those Main St. days... But now I'm going to be living here again ( in my own house ) starting on wednesday! Well, its 95% sure anyway - Blair and I are moving to 1st and Commercial. I wanted to be back on Main St. again - but this is a pretty nice place... two bedrooms, the top floor ( 4th ) back corner suite facing south west - skylight and gas fireplace, washer drier dishwasher, and my favorite - a solarium at the back. Can you tell I'm excited? And the distance from Main st. just makes me more determined to get a scooter again and then it will be just a five minute jaunt. We even have underground parking!
4 TV shows... well I almost never watch TV but... when i do....
1. The Simpsons always makes me happy
2. I have been watching 24 - although I don't really like it to be honest - but my parents watch it and I get sucked in
3. Seinfeld also always pleases me ( they don't have to be current TV do they? )
4. I want to watch " The Prisoner" and "The Office" which are both british TV shows - oh yeah and what was the name of that crazy show Rhya brought at New Years.... I forgot. It was bizarre.
4 Vacations.....hmm... lets see -
1. Australia - up the east coast ostensibly on a surfing trip with Zoe
2. New York - with Marina in my last year of Uni - I saw " Sensation" at the Brooklyn Art Gallery
3. Dublin - with Angus at the end of my time living in London - we visited David - an old friend of mine, went out drinking all night and ended up with the worst hangover I've ever had which we assauged with watching EastEnders all afternoon ( not particularly soothing in my opinion ) Those Irish have a reputation for a reason!
4. France - for 3 months with my parents when I was 6 - we stayed in all these big rental chateaux - I have good memories of searching for " petit fours" - although Zoe almost drowned when we were staying in Champagne.
4 Dishes I love
1. really good lentil soup
2. I have to agree with Rhya - Marina's or her mom's enchiladas
3. Skye's bamboo shoots
4. My dad's bacon wrapped date appetizer. Oh and Pancakes made by Blair. I guess thats 5...
4 Sites I visit
1. Rhya, Skye, Malani and Kimiko's blogs
2. Craigs list ( yes I'm a bit addicted I admit )
3. Google Maps
4. um... I don't even think there is another site I regularly visit! How boring!
I think a new category should be added to this list - actually two - books I love - and things I've made recently.
So...
4 books
1. The Brothers Karamazov ( Dostoevsky )
2. If on a winters night a traveller... ( Italo Calvino )
3. Borges' fictions
4. Midnight's Children ( Salman Rushdie )
5. Oh well, 5, - Iris Murdoch - The Sandcastle ( Its good to have a woman author in the list )
4 things I've made lately
1. Some drawings for my new blog with Rhya!
2. A two minute movie for the Portable film festival preview ( link to come later )
3. A japanese feast ( along with Malani )
4. Backstage video part of a documentary on a burlesque festival here in Van
Well, I think that might give an idea of things I've been up to.
Many things to do still! Happy Valentines Everyone!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Its cold outside
Well into january now, I find myself looking back on the past month and noticing details I had no time for when they happened. Thus a few selected photos - which by no means show everything that happened, but perhaps give some idea. To me anyway.It really is cold tonight - rainy and windy and nasty - but the daffodils are sprouting up in the pots on the balcony, and one little snowdrop is already blooming. The days are getting longer, and a modern me is showing signs of waltzing onto the scene. tra la la la la.
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