Wednesday, June 01, 2005

the rainy season

well, for some reason hello photo program doesnt work anymore. It keeps telling me ' program failed to initialize. If no other versions are open, re-download.' Then I do, and it says the same thing again. I guess no more photos. well. I guess its words only from now on.

there are not enough words for things I've decided, and more need to be made up to suit my needs. For example -

' an insideless, outsideless day' - that was what yesterday was like. there were no borders between anything yesterday, especially no border between weather on the inside of me and weather on the outside. of me. A burned out scraped bare day, no reliefstructure, exactly the same temperature no matter what part of the room, no matter inside the building, inside my eardrums, or up in the trees. No wind, no rain, no variation. I hate that kind of weather. I think if people keep polluting the air, eventually every day will be like that. The weather is like that in Los Angeles most days. I can't explain it, maybe its pollen levels, maybe its smog levels, maybe its just my own mind. its the kind of day when these sorts of things might happen: you might walk into a wall
you might choke on a peach pit
you might eat too much ice cream searching for a cool place, and when you finish find you just feel exactly the same except slightly disgusted.
you might find yourself still in the shower after 49 minutes

Today is not like that at all - but yesterday was the first day of the insideless outsideless weather this year, and I realized I had completely forgotten about it after it ended last year, and felt the need to explain it to myself. Not that I think I really succeeded, but its a start.
Today is rainy. the sky is still dull and bright at the same time, but at least its rainy and the tree have some phrasing, courtesy of the whistling breezes, instead of dumbly staring into space like yesterday.
I started crying last night when I realized I'm going to have to leave my house soon, and its the only house thats ever been mine alone. We have a special relationship that comes from being companions for so long. Maybe thats creepy and obsessive - sounding, but its actually true. actually, its not really ' the house' its more like all the individual members of my house - for example, I have a much different relationship with the sliding glass doors to the balcony than with the bathroom door, or the front door. They are different doors, so of course our experiences together have been different. In fact, they don't even know each other at all though they live in the same building. Why would they? Probably there is gossip that is carried along by dust and spiders, but other than that... actually though, I have a much nicer relationship with floors than with doors. the personality of floors in general is absolutely different than doors of any kind. and why wouldn't it be? Doors exist as passageways between places, as part of a pathway, as transistion points. It makes them excitable and nervous, because something is always changing around them. Floors on the other hand, are sort of tough and uncomplaining and humble. The best features of floorsbecome evident when you lie down on them. Most people never do - and see the floor as kind of a dirty and unpleasant place far below their dignity - of course in Japan floors are treated a lot better - no shoes allowed, and people sit and lie on them much more. Floors are friendly and so unpretentiously comfortable and natural. I have a great relationship with all the floors in my house. I recommend cleaning your own floor well and having a rest on it. You'll be surprised how pleasant it is.
In other news... well I can't think of anything interesting to insert here.
news is such a boring concept. Because its part of the average level of reality that society these days operates on, which is so dull and obvious. Its weird how people think that level 'is' the real world. But really its just the standard level things are moving along at in this day and age. I mean, I was thinking about tourism today - why do people take photos of famous places? I mean, yeah, usually they are interesting places, but are they so much more interesting than other places? Or is it just that people can only notice things when they are, like, 80000 percent interesting, and if they are about 98 percent interesting then they aren't interesting enough to be deemed ' interesting'. Half the time the place people take photos of, they don't even find interesting - its just that those places have a 'reputation' among people who have studied ' what things are intreresting enough to be considered ' interesting' , and so they take a photo of themselves standing beside ' such and such interesting place'

Anyway maybe the real reason is that if people let everything be interesting ( which as a side note it actually is) then it would blow out their brain connections, and fry their visual cortex's. So, they let the experts tell them what is interesting, and ignore all the interesting things that they constantly walk past, they just can't open up beyond 5% or they will explode. I sound like a snob making this kind of generalizations about my fellow men, and of course there are all kinds of individual exceptions, but honestly, don't you think accepted reality is something like that?

Ok I know I'm ranting and losing the plot, but basically, all I mean is, my floor is just as interesting as tokyo tower in its own particular way.

This morning I was woken up out of a strange dream by a strange japanese baby woman who called and said something about 'oni' - devils - and then seemed surprised when I suggested she might have the wrong number- ' oh' she said ' this isn't you mom?' very weird. and my dream was about some movie star who could stick his tongue backwards through his intestines until it emerged pick and waggling from his rear end. Not exactly a beautiful vision is it! I wasn't impressed in my dream at all, but it would be a rather insane physical feat. Aren't your intestines kilometers long?


I read the Satanic Verses finally the other day - I was totally hooked actually, though now having finished it I would definitely say that Midnight's Children is better. I find it annoying how every time I read a book I really like that I can't stop writing about, or even just thinking about, my life through that writer's voice. Well, it gives my life a new dimension its true, but it annoys me because I feel like I have my own interesting dimension I could be writing / thinking through, if it wasn't stuck in my back molars, or way under my fingernails, or somewhere close by but yet slightly out of reach. I feel like such a phoney when other people's styles infect my way of thinking. I guess its just a form of dressing up, and maybe eventually your own style develops as a hybrid of all those textures and cuts and flavors, hopefully into something that accurately represents your own particular feeling on a particular day. Ah wouldn't it be nice to be able to translate the inside world into the outside world in a way you could be pleased with? In a suitable medium each time?

I guess thats enough for now.

No comments:

Blog Archive