Tuesday, June 07, 2005

the scrubland

I feel like thinking about indistinctness. Because I'm in an indistinct place at the moment - its very hard to be in, but if you get it, I have the feeling you get it in some fantastic way. You can be in two places at once. no, three really. one, two three.
between the baseball field and the grove of cherry trees is the scrubland. half baseball field, half cherry tree grove - all patchy and mangy. You don't know how it makes you feel, and that makes you feel uneasy. You don't feel like sitting there, the treed area seems much more pleasant. You don't feel like playing there, the baseball field true is a much better spot. In some places there aren't any scrublands - people eradicate them with straight lines of division. But naturally, there are always in-between places. Are they vague and watered down, or subtlely brilliant? I think they could be either. it all depends on whether you see each element as only a weak version of itself - and together they don't add up to much, or whether you think combining with the other thing creates something that appealingly eludes definition. I think a lot of the best art does exactly this. Straddles several elements in a way that makes it impossible to get a handle on. Disturbing, inspiring, flummoxing.

So how does that apply to me? To now? To three years of memories that are piled up all over the surfaces around me, to daydreams about that future that grow in between like weeds -in wedges of sunlight, ledges of windows, pillowslips, penlids, and my reflection in the mirror. How do those haphazardly appearing images fit into now, into reality right now? How can I keep myself from sliding into the past? from sprinting into the future? How do I get it - get the hang of being in this in-between place.... because I have the feeling that there is something worth unearthing here. Its worth sitting here and saying nothing for a while. Just letting the unease sink in and see where it ends up. hold my breath for at least 60 seconds. open my eyes and look around with an empty mind.

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